Loneliness

Now I understand, now I realise what Enyak meant when she has repeatedly told me that "it's lonely"!

One can have lots of people in your space and yet feel lonely.  Many times I have experienced loneliness while in the midst of a busy work day.  I look all around, people are with family or friends, laughing or experiencing meltdowns, I sigh and wonder where are my friends?

It's 10 years this year since I have been in America and still have no friends that I can call my own.  They all remain acquaintances, no chummy girlfriend to call and just chi chat on nonsensical subjects.  No friendships to call on, to warm the loneliness that consumes me from time to time.

We do not want to burden family during our moments of sadness, we want them to maintain this positive concept that we are doing alright.

When the loneliness bug hits, we just mope around for awhile, pick our self up after shedding a few tears of pity and than move on.

That's when our compassion of others diminishes, sometimes I wonder, where has that girl full of compassion and care and love gone?  Who is this person today, that is not moved by someone else's  hardships or despair.

Why should I care, when there is no one to care during my moments of sadness.  Why should I care when I have to rely on my own devices.  Why should I care ...... why????

It makes my life hollow for not caring anymore, my life is meaningless when the compassion for others dies.  Helping others and caring for others, makes it easier for me to get through my own helplessness.  The moments of desperation is lessen.  Caring, helping and loving lifts my spirit and I can soar.

Taking care of others without expectations always bring a smile to my face, peace in my heart and most important the calm assurance that God cares and loves me and will take care of all my needs.

In God I trust, in God I believe.  In God, I learn once again how to love and to freely give of myself.

Live your own life

God does not impose His will on you.  He allows you to make choices, this we say is free will.  Now on the other hand why do we expect others to conform to what we expect of them  Why do we get disappointed and angry when others do not do what we expect of them.

Many times I have requested family and friends for favours and than I am disappointed, get angry,
 when they do not fulfill my favours.  How can I expect others to live my life?  Why do I allow anger and heart ache to consume me when I feel  a betrayal of my wishes.  They too have free will, even if they agreed to grant me a favour it does not mean they cannot change their minds.  It is their choice, they are also entitled to their free will.

Could be that I hold fast to the rule that "I am my word" , than again it is my rule in life not theirs, they have their own rules or not, but still that is their choice to make.

When I realise all these, I am less angry with them, but am surprised at how heavy handed I can be.  Going forward, I will make it a point to remember that everyone has choices.  Everyone is walking their own road, making their own journey, who am I to expect them to take a detour and to fill in the gap in my road.

So I cannot be at places or spend time with people I love.  I will learn to accept these situations and just do the best given the circumstances.  Yes, I can support and help along the way.  It is always easier to tell someone what they need to do in the disguise of advice.  But, really it is more of dictating what and how they should live their life.  According to my expectations.

This has got to stop, than maybe all this disappointments and restlessness will finally be lifted.  My spirit will be at peace. 

What do I do than, do I have to pick up the pieces and restore order.  Will this wear me out time and time again.  I suppose this is when I will remember to "leave places and situations better than when I arrived and if I cannot than I will leave them the way they were not worse than before." 

Funny how I seem to remember all these lessons when I amcontemplating my predicament.  But in reality, I forget all these lessons and just react without thought, in the moment and with a lot of drama and tears and self pity.

It is not easy to live my own life and let others live theirs.  No, I always want to dictate how they should behave.  What they have to do.  I have to realise this will only make me happy and contend but I forget that they will habour resentment towards me and thus become unhappy and discontented with their situation having someone dictating their lives.

Yes, just walk away from the chaos, and if I cannot tolerate the chaos than organise it because I like every thing neat and tidy, so it is my choice to organise someone else's mess and be happy with the choices that I made and not be resentful that I am the one bringing order to chaos.  I cannot expect them to be grateful for this or to expect them to follow my example.  It is their choice.  I can only lead by example and hope that it will make a difference.

The many faces of Irven



Hong Kong flight, passport photo and my favourite the smile which captures the essence of Irven.