My Ivan .... My Ivan

Thinking of you the past few days and today the flood gates were opened once again.  It's been two months, I thought my heart had healed from the pain of losing you, but the tears still flowed.  Today my body was wrecked in pain once again, today my heart ached all over again at the thought that you were missing from my life, from all of our lives.

It's been two months now since you moved on, I remember and I am still grieving.

We love you sweet Ivan.  I know for sure that all your brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, relatives and friends are going to miss you all the time.  I am not able to discuss you with family yet, because that would make us sad and we would cry all over again.

I think of you and of your grave  site and I feel sad ..... I hear echoes of your voice, saying,  "don't cry Barber"  ..... I see images of you in my mind and still recollect the last time we were together.

Dearest Ivan, I loved you the most, and now it still hurts knowing that my life will not be the same without you in it.

I have not kept in touch with any or our brothers or sisters in Malacca, I have put up a barrier between them, maybe in time I will be able to reconcile with them.  For now, I cannot handle any of the drama associated with them.  My heart needs to heal and to rest from  my grief.  I will be strong again one day and be able to open myself up and be involved with our family drama.

I will not forget you Ivan .....I love you Ivan.  Thank you Ivan for everything.  Thank you my dearest Ivan.  Please forgive me for all the hurts I have caused you.  Be at peace.  Be happy dear Ivan boy!