July .... a long drawn out July

The fasting period for Ramadan began yesterday. Hidayah commented that she has full belly from the breaking of fast ..... it's busy now in the kampung, people busy with making the various kuih muih for the breaking of fast.  Siti is busy providing transportation to the bandar for the kamung folks who need to shop for kitchen supplies, provision, Raya shopping and the likes.

I can still recall Ivan telling me that it's one of the busiest time of the year.  Lots of people witing for transport everywhere, wanting to go some where, as Ivan would say lots of money to be made at this time.  Ivan would be in his glory driving anybody who needed to be some where.  I am certain lots of people would miss not having Ivan's van to tumpang.

Than there is the variety of kuih that would be on sale in the evening for the breaking of fast.  Kuih that you only get to see and eat during this time of the year.  Ivan said that, it's cheap also, just pay RM2 and you get lots of kuih.  I know for sure Ivan did not reaslise that the kuih seller was being kind to Ivan and would give him more value for his money because they know and like him.

I rememeber Siti telling me, how he would just drop by the house during one of his trips to bring lots of kuih, and she would complain "banyak kuih, tak da orang nak makan semua," Ivan would just reply "makan aje .....RM2, mereka bagi banyak"    ...... yup whak only!

The girls will be buying their Raya clothes on Sunday.  I did request Hidayah to post the photos for me.

What a long month this has been ..... a very drawn out July for me.  The summer has been brutally hot this time around.  We hardly get rains.  Can't wait for Autumn .....can't wait for the overcast sky, the brilliant hues of Fall.  Counting the days when the sun will set at 4pm and it's dark out.

I feel so weary at times .... just taking it one day at a time ....  too much sun!

My Ivan .... My Ivan

Thinking of you the past few days and today the flood gates were opened once again.  It's been two months, I thought my heart had healed from the pain of losing you, but the tears still flowed.  Today my body was wrecked in pain once again, today my heart ached all over again at the thought that you were missing from my life, from all of our lives.

It's been two months now since you moved on, I remember and I am still grieving.

We love you sweet Ivan.  I know for sure that all your brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, relatives and friends are going to miss you all the time.  I am not able to discuss you with family yet, because that would make us sad and we would cry all over again.

I think of you and of your grave  site and I feel sad ..... I hear echoes of your voice, saying,  "don't cry Barber"  ..... I see images of you in my mind and still recollect the last time we were together.

Dearest Ivan, I loved you the most, and now it still hurts knowing that my life will not be the same without you in it.

I have not kept in touch with any or our brothers or sisters in Malacca, I have put up a barrier between them, maybe in time I will be able to reconcile with them.  For now, I cannot handle any of the drama associated with them.  My heart needs to heal and to rest from  my grief.  I will be strong again one day and be able to open myself up and be involved with our family drama.

I will not forget you Ivan .....I love you Ivan.  Thank you Ivan for everything.  Thank you my dearest Ivan.  Please forgive me for all the hurts I have caused you.  Be at peace.  Be happy dear Ivan boy!

4th of July

Heard the first "boom" signaling the start of the firework display at work last night .... I smiled at the thought of the wonderful fireworks that fills the night sky every 4th of July.  I hope to catch a glimpse of  some fireworks display this year, even though I have been scheduled to work  on Independence Day.

The pyrotechnics in America is one of the most spectacular that I have witnessed thus far, apart from the display at Hon Kong Disney Land.

We all enjoy a good firework show, I recall the nights of a few Independence Days gone by where Ken and I would camp out at some parking lot or a park just to watch the fireworks.  It brings so must jubilation and lifts up the spirit and for that moment in time your heart reaches up and touches the sky.