Time will ease your pain

How many times have I heard that time will ease the pain .... the emptiness remain, the wounds heal, the sorrow lingers, the pain will be buried, only to resurface when memories are recollected.

My brother, how I miss not having you here with us ... I cannot fathom my living when you are missing from my life.

I missed you on my last trip back home, I know it was for selfish reasons.  No one to chauffeur me around town. 

You were the best, always too willing and eager to drive me any where I needed to go.  I hear echoes of my request and I see the nodding of your head with car keys in your hands and we were on our way.

Ivan, I realised you loved me too, oh how much you respected me.  I know you appreciated me and you were always my champion.

My dearest Ivan ....  how my heart still aches, my tears still flow, but, I know it will get better soon enough.  Time will ease the pain.

I love you Irven George Gomes @ Mohd Taufik.

Happy 47th Brithday Irven George Gomes

Woke up this morning and you were on my mind.  I have been thinking of you a lot these past few days, I suppose that is to be expected since you left us just four days ago on May 7th. We are doing ok, Siti is still grieving, and like the rest of us, moving forward slowly. 
Siti informed me that she had prepared meals in the house to celebrate your birthday and brought some food packeges to Kakak and Adik to share with friends at the Asrama in celebration of your birthday ..... that is nice.
I know Violet has cooked some devilled curry in honour of your birthday.  I cooked some fried rice and ate it  in your hounour (the fried rice is the best fried rice in the whole of Malaysia!!!!) with lots of vegetables, egg and chicken .....enjoy!
What is it like where you are Ivan .... are you really happy...is mama with you, did you see nanny ...what about daddy and mummy ?????
I hope you're alright Ivan ....we worry about you .... could you give me a sign that you're ok,  ... a white rose (symbol of mama and confirming that you are with her and happy).
Since coming home from Malaysia, my heart has been restless, I do not enjoy being at the work place and I seek solitude most times.
It will get better soon enough.  Ok, this is not about me, but, I am writing this blog to remember your birthday and to celebrate you!
Be happy, don't worry .... laugh that gila laughter and call me Baber one more time.

Happy Birthday dearest Ivan, we love you and when the time comes for me, please be there to greet me together with your beloved mama.

Ivan's journey has come to an end (May12, 1965 - May 7, 2012)

I knew it would end soon, when I last saw you, my heart whispered "he will not last too long"
I cried than, seeing how much you had changed ... your cheeks so gaunt, you were just skin and bones.
You would not even look at me at the airport, but I loved you nonetheless.
We hardly had a proper conversation, but I loved you nonetheless.
We bought you a pizza, I know you were craving for a pizza ... and brought it to the hospital while you were under-going your dialysis treatment.
I still remember how you stuffed the hot pizza in your mouth, I watched and loved you nonetheless.
Could not bear to see you get burned, so, I blew on the pizza and fed you a few piece, all the while loving you nonetheless.

You sat beside me at the restaurant, I turned to look at you and got a glimpse of your hollowed cheek, I felt so sad, but still loved you nonetheless.
Late at night, I woke up from my sleep, walked to your bedroom  door and watched you sleeping, you were curled up, so thin and so frail, I cried silently loving you nonetheless.

When we parted you said, "see you next time" and my heart was confused and full of disappointment ... as you usually do, you refused the money I offered, but I left it by the sink... could not even remember to love you nonetheless.
I came back to persuade you to share a final meal, you refused, I said, "take care of yourself" and loving you nonetheless, turned and walked away.

Now you're gone, my heart aches for you, loving you nonetheless cuases such pain.

I am sorry that I could not understand the choices you made, which broke our family apart .... please forgive me ....I still love you nonetheless.
I will always remember your goodness ..... your whacked out laughter ....your burping obnoxiously ... your smelling everything before consuming it .... your "whack only" phrase .....your friendship towards those more unfortunate than you ..... .loving you nonetheless was so easy.

I am sorry for the life of hardship you went through .... I am sorry for the loneliness you felt ....I am sorry for not being able to reach out to you in  your most darkest  hour when everything around you did not make sense ....I am sorry for the sorrow you felt .... I am sorry for your confusion ..... I am sorry we just did not understand what you were going through .....I am sorry for neglecting your emotions ....I am sorry I just did not know how to help you ......I am sorry for everything in your life that made you so sad at times ....I am sorry we just could not understand your simple ways .....
I am so very sorry you had to die silently without gettting the chance to say goodbye .... I am sorry for loving you nonetheless and not being able to reach out to you.

Ivan George Gomes @ Mohamad Taufik Abdullah ...... I love you more than you will ever know.
I will miss you so much ..... I will not hear anymore your calling me "Barber"
Be at peace ..... we love you and we regret your passing away so soon.

The joy you gave me lives on and on ... I still continue to love you nonetheless.