Wishing and hoping

 Have not seen Croissant or Ciabatta two days now, hoping they are sheltering in place. The mighty winds are blowing in sleet rain and I’m glad they are somewhere safe.

I have wanted for them to forage and survive the winter months and so have not been over feeding them, at times ignoring their presence pressed closely to the back deck.

Now I miss not seeing them so much, praying they stay safe. 

What do I do with the surplus apples and rolls in the fridge which was specially bought for their meals? 

I sigh but in my heart I know it’s best for them to be safe from the inclement weather.

Love you much deer  Croissant  and Ciabatta. Be free and safe in God’s hands.

Postcards and letters

Today I came across old cards sent by family and friends. I read some of them, a friend here, a colleague there and I mused that none have kept in touch. Oh they had written that we would stay in touch. I have tried reaching out but was unsuccessful.

Family cards bring bitter sweet memories, nieces and nephews have all grown into young adults. Active lifestyles, work and life in general has gotten in the way of staying in touch.

These are heirlooms of the heart, the memories they bring with each word written, the promises made and the sentiments.

Quietly without a second thought I throw each one into a disposable pile, not bothering to open and reread most of them. 

The memories are all locked  away and hopefully in time I will remember that once upon a time I was treasured, once upon a time someone chose a card just for me to let me know that I mattered.

Once upon a time I was relevant in their life. Once upon a time … a long long time ago….

Loneliness, Isolation and the rest

 Why is it that the peace maker is always the one on the outside looking in?

 This is a most familiar place for me. Amidist the isolation, the loneliness grips my heart.  I am weary and tired of reaching out and no matter how hard I try there is no reciprocation.

Time and again I walk away from this losing battle but in the end my heart gives in to trying one more time to mend the rift. Forgiveness is ongoing, it's a choice I make to bridge the gap that is created ceaselessly by the siblings.

Flow and ebb, how do I navigate the ebb? 

Do I formulate a new strategy? 

I just wait in silence ...

  

 

La Familia

 Redemption: we seek it, it eludes us, we chase it, we ignore it but most of all we need it. Without redemption we are just drifting in a fog, not able to move on, not able to live fully .... 

The gathering of the siblings, the Malacca clan will be making a trip to visit with our eldest brother, Charlie. Plans were made, plans were discarded, a new date chosen, the siblings who could make the trip ever changing, understandable due to work commitments and most of all because we are all fickle creatures.

Date arrives, notably the final head count and the actual siblings who made the gathering differed from the original list.

Why is everything so complicated? Why is my family so reluctant to forgive the past. Why are we not able to change for the better. Is it that we still harbor ill feelings toward each other. Are we not as charitable as we say we are. Why is it so difficult to cross the barrier that separates us, why are the obstacles that were seemingly set up when we were brought up in different camps still keeping us apart.

Five of us brought up by my godmother, five brought up by my parents and the youngest by a cousin.  There is a distinction between us, camp A, camp B and the youngest.

After all these times and all the water under the bridge, we still manage to feel offended by one another's attitude and mannerism. We are still not able to just accept each other as we are, there's expectations, we want them to behave in the manner we think is correct. They expect us to be more accepting of them without lording over them, whatever that mean!

When did all this begin, when will it stop?

We have been hurt by them taking advantage of our generosity, they have been angry at us not giving more to them, bleeding us dry time and time again.

There will not be a reconciliation, as long as there is no sincerity, as long as everyone is still uncharitable towards each other.

Our family will not heal, because the people who were able to bring about healing have already been buried.

We are the ones left and we can't seem to find common ground, just because all of us have diverse personalities.

Everyone makes choices, everyone has their own journey to travel. We cannot expect anything more than who we are. 

We accept it .... we move on .... my spirit is wounded ... I just pick myself up ..... I leave this place of so much disappointment and carry on with my dignity intact.

We honor who we are. No regrets. 

here we are again : saying farewell as you leave for ND

 We have taken this road one year ago when you decided to resettle in ND after a breakup. We said our goodbyes, we shed lots of tears, my heart was broken to say goodbye to my best friend. No more walks up the mountain road to Stone Castle. No more teatime on the patio enjoying the summertime hours.  

The lonely thoughts of working in my garden alone, no one to share the laughter, making spring rolls, eating laksa and visiting each other whenever the need arises.

I miss you on so many levels, the days have been dreary, no chit chats to share. The house misses you and the kitty Kats miss you too.

Life is not the same. And here we are once again saying goodbye!

Sitting on patio weather - (May 11, 2022)

What a blessing, the weather today is simply wonderful, finally the cold spell is over.  Set up the cafe table and chairs for our leisure during these warm weather months, sitting out on the patio will be a definite welcome change from being couped up inside.

Picked up sticks and branches from the front lawn and the side of the house, tomorrow will continue picking sticks from the backyard.  Makes it easier for our neighbor to mow the lawn, the yard looks neater too without all the broken branches and twigs scattered everywhere.

Put up the chicken fence for the roses, what a struggle, but, in the end it's up, hopefully it will be deer resistant.  Will work on it further to reinforce the gap closure.

Tomorrow will have to transplant some of the vegetables that have germinated from the winter sowing project, they look promising, I'm excited but a little drained since I'm still recuperating from the bout of flu, everything drains my energy, will undertake my chores around the garden at a slower pace for a while.

Strange incident: little Noel was crying her heart out while I was working on the chicken fence, she has not had any separation anxiety before, however this morning she just kept meowing for attention and only stopped when I got back in. Attention deficit from her mama since the mama has been under the weather recently.

7th May 2022 : Ten years and still we remember, we still love and we celebrate your life

 Dearest Irven

My mind is blank as I sit here to write you a note; what do I say to you that has not already been said, the love we bear and the pain that we carry, all these have been said and yet here I am still remembering you my beloved brother.

Your laughter and the craziness that is truly Irven, the kindness and the love will always remain, the essence of the person that is Irven will always be appreciated and we thank you and are grateful for all your deeds and the respect you always showed for your siblings and family.

If I had one wish that could be granted today, it would be to hear your laughter and to hear you calling me, "Barber"

I pray and ask God to grant you peace. You are now free of all the ills, the pain, the confusion and of life's burden.  My prayer is for you to live freely, laugh like there's nothing to hold back your happiness. To be at peace, truly at peace with yourself  and to accept the love that is still in our hearts for you. To love every moment of your existence where ever you may be and to be happy. 

Run free Irven ...