5 years today

At the hospital you said, "I don't like to see all of you crying."  remembering those words I dry my eyes and continue with my day.

My dearest Enyak, how we miss you so much, the years have dragged on for us.  It is like we have not stopped grieving for you.  Sometimes the tears will flow when we remember and the heart longs to hear your voice or to see you face.

Lilian and I agreed that, time does not heal the wound.  The heart still has a big hole that cannot be filled.

Enyak, the last five years have been difficult, we had lots of challenges within the family, in our own personal life and we have also lots uncle Andrew (2011) and than my beloved Ivan (2012).

I am sorry that I cannot visit your grave site, I promise to visit whenever I am in Malaysia and I pray that the prayers I offer will benefit you.  Can you let me know of this for sure Enyak?

At times I feel like I have failed you Enyak, I know you left me in charge, I do not have your strength or your great faith to hold it altogether.  We are a mess and I just don't know how to fix it,  I cannot fix it.  Now, I just lift everything to God and ask Him to fix it for me.  My wish is for all of us brothers and sisters to be able to move forward.  To allow all the hurts to heal and for forgiveness to begin.

Enyak, I know you have access to Ivan, will you please let him know that we love him and miss him too.

Enyak, I tried baking tarts last Christmas and it was a disaster, should have written down the recipe and now it's lost.  You made the best pineapple tarts ever.  Now, I don't know how to bake tarts nor cook your famous roast chicken and roast pork and roast beef.  We are so hopeless Enyak.

Enyak, I had a dream about the bountiful fruit treed, did it mean anything, Enyak you believed in dreams and was always predicting dreams.  We are hopeless at this also.  Enyak you had great faith in God, I mentioned to Ken that you had divine wisdom Enyak, and I firmly believe  that is the truth.

Enyak, I have no one to call on the phone when I am lonely or feeling sad.  I have no one who will chat with like you and relay the news from Malaysia.  I am lonely too Enyak and now I realise what you meant when you told me that it's so lonely for you.  I remember telling you that you had a house full of people so how could you be lonely, I understand the loneliness now, because I feel the loneliness myself.  It has come full circle to haunt me.

Enyak, we have good days and good times also.  I enjoy the weather here in America very much.  It's lovely when it snows, the trees all covered in snow and the ground a blanket of white.  In the Autumn the colours so vibrant and heart warming.  I must admit I have a very good life here in America, Enyak.

Ken and I will be celebrating our 10th wedding Anniversary this year.  Yes, 10 years, I am very blessed to have Ken in my life, Enyak, he is a very good man, very kind and considerate.  Ken takes care of me very well, Enyak.  He is a good man.  God sent me a very good husband.  I know you liked Ken, I just wish you and Ken had more time together.

I still work Enyak, you would think at 56 years  I could just retire and stay home.  It is good to work though, I get to be with other people and it gets me out of the house.

I speak to Aunt Lily as much as I can, sometimes there is nothing to discuss.  I know aunt Lily misses you, Enyak I try my best to help her.  She is living in a beautiful home.  Her room is big and the people who take care of her are very nice.  I am glad she is in Carroll Manor, she does not have to worry about anything.

Enyak, whenever I hear the birds singing I think of you, enyak, I always remember how you love the birds.  You talk to all the birds, you talk to everything that moves.  I still recall the bird singing up in the tree just beyond the balcony.  It was such a sweet melody, I did not appreciate it than since we had just buried you and we were overcome with sadness.  Now years later, it comes to mind and I am made to realise that it was a symphony offered in you honour, Enyak, even the birds were aware that a good spirit had left the earth plane and they have lost a very good friend.  I can still recall the sweet song, it brings a smile whenever I remember the symphony of the bird.

Enyak, thank you for all the memories, thank you for bringing us up the best way you could.  Thank you for loving us and teaching us about the love of God and sowing seeds of faith.  Thank you, Enyak for being supportive and kind and  helping us out whenever we were broken and in need of assistance.  Thank you for loving me, when I felt so unloved.  Thank you for providing a roof over our heads, for all the cooked meals, the clothes on our back.  Thank you for teaching us good morals.  Thank you for your patience, your kindness, your gentleness.  Thank you for all the stories and the songs you sang.  Thank you for all the happiness and the safe haven you proved for all of us.  Thank you for leading us to God.  Thank you for teaching us that God would take care of everything and to lift up everything in prayer.

We love you Enyak, thank you dearest friend, god-mother, teacher and most loving MOTHER.

We will always miss you, no matter where the road leads us, Enyak, you will always remain in our hearts.  Please continue to pray for us.

Forgive me for all the hurts I have caused you, and the many time  I sinned against heaven and against you.  I am sorry, Enyak.

Take care Enyak, and May your soul rest in the mercy of God's goodness.

Rose Florence Param : August 30th 1937 - March 10th, 2008